I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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