he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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