You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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