Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
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