Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
