i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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