I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
