She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
