Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
