I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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