Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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