I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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