I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
