This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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