Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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