Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
