So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
