the condom got lost in my hair
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
