All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize