Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
