if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
