I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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