You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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