I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
