HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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