Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Randomize
