my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
