and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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