Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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