you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
