I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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