this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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