What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
