I can tuck mytits in my pants
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize