zippers are such a cool invention
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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