I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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