i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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