I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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