tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Ladies don't puke and tell
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
