Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize