All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic
so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?
Thats gay
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
