I wish they made helmets for livers.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
