you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
