1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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