I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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