last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
