Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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