he told me I talked like a deaf person
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
