i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
