I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
