My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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