My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
