youre lurking in front of me
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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