just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
