he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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