WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
