Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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