walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
