Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
