I bet he comes in French.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
