just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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