I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
