turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
