I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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