a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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