I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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