life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You're so nebulous sometimes
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
