I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
