i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
