I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
