I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize