Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
