So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
