Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
