its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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