i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
